extinguishment of heart

the melancholy winter day deepens the feeling of weariness. nothing seems to be able to interest me. i have great friends, who enjoy the time over a cup of tea and my presence. but, i felt even more gloomy after the "fun" moment goes into the past. what is wrong with me, i do not know. i do not feel lonely when i am alone, and i do not feel joy when i was surrounded by it. my sister denounced me as an unchangeable person with my eyes on top of my head, and my hands are high up, too. she was right, but what she does not know is that i too appreiciate things that are not my standard; i just can not extract joy from them. i played my role to fit in, i play my role to fit the trend, but i could not cheat the feeling deep within. as the result, i gradually lose the movtivation and interest of living. what, why, or who shall i live for ? i am not saying this to comdemn my existance. maybe things are really like what Bible says that there is nothing new under the sun. maybe i am just bored, or maybe the place is just not for me. or maybe...there is something in life that i have not understood and needed to learn. who knows, do you ?