deja vu

Over the past three years, my life was difference from others. Instead of growing and moving on, I lived a reversed life. Instead of accepting and face the problem, I chose ignorance and denial. The result is unstable emotions and unease at heart. I was puzzled, trying hard to sort things out. is the environment the problem, are they the source of my trouble, am I not compatible enough to them? What was going on that drains out the joy of life from me?
Many nights I surrender my sleep ‘cause there is no peace at mind. this one night, I close my eyes but could not rest; at about 5 o’clock in the morning, I was still awake. The strange feeling of weariness was hard to describe. Eventhough my body wants a rest I decided to take a walk along the streets. It was quiet on the street in the early morning; the air was chill and fresh, the sun was dim yet genial, and suddenly a feeling of déjà vu struck me.
I thought I was back in the time at Acaciawood. I thought I was walking on Brookhurst; same heavy steps same straight-faced expression. I was depressed in the first couple years in high school ‘cause I felt not belong, I faced repression, and I became one of a bunch of “care free” kids. I was shut down, cool off completely; turns into the opposite extreme of what I was before high school. I don’t care about others, I don’t care what others feel, and being rational become my excuse and shield of not caring for others; cold, cruel, and compelling. Déjà vu, I am now having hard time to recognize this environment, too…partly because of them, partly because of me. And I start to fade away from the crowd again, becoming numb, becoming careless.
The morning breeze was chill, the air was wet; every breath brisk my body and refreshed my mind, I was awake, I was awake both heart and mind. I am not going to waste another two years of my life in solitude; those childish kids two years ago has changed and grown up to certain degree, but I am still at the same place, or even reverse to a more immature stage.
I laughed, I laughed when this déjà vu feeling hit me, and I laughed again. This time, I laughed because I was relieved.